my favorite animal
i really, really like dogs. they're fluffy and they wag their tails when they see you, it's so happy-making! i remember one time, my friend's dog, max, he jumped on me like he was saying 'hi!' even though he was bigger than me. that's what i love about dogs, they don't care how big or small you are, they just want to be your friend.
dogs also have different colors, some are black, white, brown or even spotted. they can run really fast, faster than me, i bet. and they can catch balls, which is super cool. but sometimes, they bark too much, especially at night, that's when i wish they could be quiet like cats.
once, my dog, charlie, got lost in the park. i was so scared but then i heard his barking from far away, and i followed the sound until i found him. that day, i realized how loyal dogs are, they never leave you alone. they're like superheroes with four legs!
老師評語：
你的作文充滿了對狗狗的喜愛之情，生動(dòng)地描繪了它們的特點(diǎn)。但要注意，'happy-making'并非標(biāo)準(zhǔn)英文，應(yīng)改為'joyful'。另外，'even though he was bigger than me'后應(yīng)加上'it made me feel loved'之類的句子以完善邏輯。'that's what i love about dogs'后面可以插入'it doesn't matter who you are'這樣的補(bǔ)充，使句子更完整。
內(nèi)容亮點(diǎn)：
你的作文展現(xiàn)了你對狗狗的深厚感情，使用了豐富的形容詞和動(dòng)詞，如'fluffy', 'wag', 'jumped', 'barked'等，使讀者能感受到你的熱情。你的故事講述也很吸引人，特別是找到charlie的經(jīng)歷，展示了狗的忠誠。
優(yōu)化參考：
建議在描述狗狗特性時(shí)，可以加入更多具體的行為或細(xì)節(jié)，如'max would roll over for a belly rub, showing his affectionate nature.' 這樣可以使你的描述更加立體。同時(shí)，對于狗晚上吠叫的問題，可以嘗試這樣改寫：'though their midnight barks could be disruptive, it's their way of protecting their territory and loved ones.'
批改后作文
my absolute favorite animals are dogs. their fluffy coats and wagging tails never fail to bring a smile to my face. like when max, my friend's energetic labrador, would bound up to me as if to say, 'hello, friend!', despite his towering size, it always filled me with joy. dogs come in various hues - black, white, brown, and even speckled. their speed is astonishing, leaving me in awe as they chase down balls with incredible agility.
yet, sometimes their enthusiasm can be overwhelming, especially their late-night barks. it's a reminder, however, of their protective nature, ensuring their surroundings are safe. once, charlie, my devoted companion, wandered off in the park. the anxiety was palpable until his distant bark guided me to him, emphasizing their unwavering loyalty. dogs, indeed, are four-legged superheroes who never abandon us.
作文寫作素材：
閱讀參考
建議多閱讀《查理和巧克力工廠》中關(guān)于動(dòng)物的描述，學(xué)習(xí)如何通過細(xì)節(jié)描繪動(dòng)物的特性。同時(shí)，《小狗錢錢》一書也有生動(dòng)的狗狗故事，可借鑒其敘事技巧。還可以參考《哈利·波特》系列，學(xué)習(xí)如何在描述中融入情感和情節(jié)發(fā)展。
